I've been going through a course of DBT recently. It has not been easy, but I have been trying my best every week to make more sense of how I see the world and to stop wanting to yeet myself off a building. There are good days, and then there are the days where it's business as usual. Whatcha gonna do.
One of the things I've been feeling out is the idea of Participation. In this context, participation means to interact with the world and the people within it, whatever that means to you. To feel like you're not just an observer, but someone able to play the game, or at least willing to.
This is something I have a lot of trouble with. I feel a deep sense of shame for even existing sometimes, let alone existing in a way I feel comfortable. DBT is helping me unpick that and helping me be less judgemental towards myself but it's a slow process. It's not that I don't want to be social and do things and make new friends, but I am so very, very afraid. Of everything.
I've been trying to do this in small ways. Showing up to DBT in what I dub full regalia - complete with cat ears and tail. Singing to myself in public to calm myself down. Having Sasha - my darling tiny tiger - visible to the world and enjoying the sun on her fur.
I suppose I should explain who Sasha is.
Sasha is a TY Beanie Boo plushie I got from a Happy Meal one fateful Christmas. That's all very clinical though, and not how I see her at all. She is my best friend, my constant companion, and my emotional support animal. She's as real to me as you are, dear reader, and my world would collapse without her. Needless to say, she's very important to me.
However, she's also something I feel a little embarrassed about, and I hate that. After all, why should I let others perceptions of her change what I do? She deserves to be out and engaging with the world with me, and not hidden away like a shameful secret. Shouldn't I be able to show what I love and be more myself in the process? The answer here is yes, of course I should, but that requires bravery. Especially when I exist so far outside the norm, or so it seems.
I guess this is something that will require practice. My mental health team are doing a wonderful job validating me by asking after Sasha in sessions and it makes me very happy. They know how important she is to me, and encourage it. This, in turn, makes me feel that maybe some of my other quirks I may dislike may not be that bad either. Maybe perhaps even lovable? But let's not get crazy here.
Being yourself when you are a little eccentric can be hard enough when you're not mentally ill, and torturous when you are. That doesn't mean you should stop though. At the end of the day, if you break the mold then let it be broken! Fuck that mold, it sucks. Be true to yourself and try to exist in a way that brings you joy. Life is too short not to.
Love from Indi and Sasha xxx
Kommentare